Monday, October 24, 2011

To remember . . .

Lately I have discovered that my mind has been both a dear friend and terrible enemy. I am so thankful for the moments my mind can so vividly recall the moments of sweet Jonah running through my kitchen or playing with David. David always loved to see Jonah. He couldn't resist patting him on top of the head. They had this "game" they'd play where Jonah would make a mess and David would clean it up. All the while David would say, "Clean-up!" while Jonah happily made more and more messes completely oblivious to David's desires to be tidy. I treasure the sweet memories I have of watching Julie lovingly mother Jonah. She was always so aware of his every need. I remember giving Jonah his first hair cut and he kept turning to see what I was doing. Julie was quick to point out that because his hearing aid was off, he probably couldn't tell what was happening to him until I physically touched him. She knew him so well. It was beautiful to see. These thoughts bring me great joy.

And at the same time, I find myself getting so frustrated with my memory. I do not like that I keep having to have this conversation with my mind. It goes something like this: I recall that Jonah passed away and then I have this desperate thought, "No, no it must have all just been a bad dream." Then I must AGAIN remind myself that it wasn't just a dream and I have to validate my thoughts with all the things that have occurred (The ER room, the funeral, visiting with Julie, etc) to lay enough proof for my mind to accept that this really did happen and my poor friend is facing every mother's worst nightmare. It is an emotion I have never before experienced. 
We were told that it takes the brain a full year to comprehend death especially when it is someone you are close to. In a lot of ways this makes sense. I can see how this is your mind's way of helping you deal with something so extreme that if we were capable of understanding it all at once, it would probably be far too much to bear. So in that regard, I thank my mind for easing me in to this understanding. I would imagine when all is said and done, I will be grateful for the TIME it is taking me to travel this road of grief and understanding. I would like to think I will eventually even understand and appreciate my brain for acting in the way it has. For now, I do not fully understand it.

I do know this. I know that I am grateful for nights with little sleep because they are the result of moments I could share with my babies. I know I would rather have the time to play with my two-year-old than the time to take a nap. I know that dear friends are one of the greatest blessings we're given on this earth. I know that I live a charmed life and I need to do a better job at showing my gratitude for it.  I know that life is really really hard. And yet it is through life's trials that we get the opportunity to learn who we really are, who and how we really love and what it means to feel all of the emotions God has blessed us with.

And for all this that I know; I am grateful. I am grateful for the mind that lets me know. The mind that lets me remember the sweetness and shelters me from the sadness. And a brain that lets me know I don't have to know it all. That for now, it's ok to wonder, "Why?" and to be confused. Because above everything else that I know; I know God lives. I trust that He knows. And I know I am His child and it's ok to be confused. He will lead me.

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