September 29th

(Vivian painting a rainbow for Jonah's Mommy & Daddy)

I can't believe tomorrow it will be a year from the day we lost sweet Jonah. The feelings are still very raw and it amazes me how quickly the tears can still come. I am overwhelmed when I reflect upon the intensity of the events from that day. I couldn't bring myself to can spaghetti sauce this year. I struggle with leaving my children. I even wrestle with the idea of letting Vivian cry when I put her down to bed, part of me just wants to hold her (like all night long). I am able to function just fine. I can leave my children and feel at peace when I am away and much to Marc's agreement, I am able to suppress the idea of co-sleeping with my 16 month old. Nevertheless, I am reminded that I have experienced something very tragic.

As I have reflected upon this experience and where I have come in this last year, I have enjoyed the opportunities to ponder on how I have grown. My testimony of eternal families has been solidified. I know that Jonah still lives. I know we will see him again. I know that he is and will always be Julie and Jordans' son.

I have gained a new perspective on trials. I believe I used to always try to find the silver lining when trials came. I would look for why they happened and how I really was better off in the end because of the challenge I was presented with. I think differently now.

I have gained a knowledge and supreme peace that trials come as opportunities for us to become closer to and more like God. I do not have to find out how things are better because Jonah died. I don't have to know this, because things are not better without him. It's an awful terrible thing that is very very sad. And it's okay to acknowledge that something tragic occurred.

But what I want my children and all those I care about to know is this: because I was a part of something very difficult, I have been blessed to more clearly see God and acknowledge the beauty of charity that is all around me and I am so very thankful. I am thankful to see others with more patience and love because we never know the burdens they may be carrying. I am thankful for the increased moments of pure joy I have spent watching my children dance and play because I understand just how precious life really is. I have lived and cherished the details of my time with those I love. And most importantly, I have come to know how blessed I am to be a daughter of God. For this, I cannot express enough gratitude.